Pixie from Australia writes:
Dear Dirty Girls,
I’m 23 and on the verge of becoming a fellow dirty girl. However, I’ve hit a snag and would love some advice.
I’d all but decided to start working in the sex industry. I’d researched, thought about what I was comfortable with & called several places to talk about how their business ran, how I’d fit in, the clients, etc etc. I found one I was quite excited about.
That weekend I met a guy. He was extraordinarily nice, so I put off calling and starting work. We’ve now been dating for four weeks and are getting more and more serious. I hadn’t previously thought about relationships when in the industry. I hadn’t expected it to come up.
I see it as two different things- work and real life/love. But, I doubt he would. But even if he surprised me being open minded enough, I don’t see how this kind of relationship could last. And what I’ve read of the experiences of past sex workers supports this. At least when it’s known that the girl is thusly employed, but I dislike lying.
So, I seek advice. What are your experiences having relationships whilst working? How do people deal with not being honest about their work with partners? How have relationships survived knowing? Any advice would the much appreciated!
Dear Pixie -
I’m not going to go into legal implications and stigma of sex work. It differs from country to country, and you didn’t ask, but both should be considered when you’re making your decisions. We talked about this a lot on Three Naked Ladies. We talked about whether we’d do it again, and if we’d want our daughters to work, and one column dealt exclusively with the problems strippers, in particular, find when dating.
Relationships of any kind take effort. Add sex to the equation and it gets complicated. Add sex work to the equation and we’re talking quantum physics. It’s a rare man (or woman) who’s okay with his/her partner making money naked. A man may brag about dating a stripper, but he’s not bringing her home to mom. Exceptions, like Zoe Hansen who married a rock star while still working as a madam and @stripperhusband who tweets daily about his stripper wife and her work, prove the rule. Tracy Quan’s Nancy Chan novels are a peek into the difficulty and double life it takes to balance sex work and romance.
Because I kept no secrets, the rare “civilians” I dated either wanted to save me or shame me. So, I rarely dated men outside of the business. My great romance was a hustler, a male prostitute. Even though we were both in the business and knew there was no emotional attachment behind any of our tricks– neither one of us could stand to have the other continue working. In the end, our cultural upbringing had a greater influence on our comfort level than anything else.
Your first instinct was to try the man on for size & put the possibility of work on the shelf. Seems like a romantic relationship is more important than the work to you right now. Romance is never simple and even in areas where it’s legal, prostitution is not easy. Ask yourself what you want, and what you’re expecting from any relationship, this one in particular. Now, ask yourself what you want, and what you’re expecting from the work. That should give you a clearer picture.
This entry was written by , posted on March 28, 2010 at 5:13 pm, filed under the naked truth and tagged advice. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink and follow any comments with the RSS feed for this post.
