I wasn’t a pretty girl. Growing up in Levittown, I was a cute kid, sure, but by the time I was in sixth grade it was over and I knew it. There’s a photo, a group shot of all of us kids just come back from caroling, crowded into someone’s mother’s kitchen having hot chocolate. All the other girls look like regular happy kids. Me, my hair is going in every different direction looking like I cut it myself, which I probably did. I’m wearing black octagon framed glasses and clenching my teeth, straining directly into the camera — all my teeth show and my gums. I look….maniacal, but it was what I thought a smile was supposed to look like. I had no idea how to be in my own skin. I was a chubby, wierd kid with no idea how to fit in, what it meant to be a girl, how to make other people like me. To top it off, I looked like a middle aged school teacher most of my life. At least that’s what I saw when I looked in the mirror.
Robbie’s Mardi Gras changed all of that. The first time I was pretty, it was behind the bar at Robbies.
I was seventeen years old and there was a line of middle aged men at my bar that wanted my attention. They saw me, not the chubby weird kid I saw, and they wanted me to see them.
The first time I was beautiful, really beautiful, I was on stage, in a borrowed g-string, a scratchy glittery piece of blue fabric held together by two strips of black sewing elastic with someone else’s pussy stains on the crotch. Probably more than one someone.
The women around me were gorgeous and glamourous. Cocktails were served in sparkling stem glasses. Everything glittered. The music was loud, there were mirrors everywhere and I was pretty. For the very first time.
I knew then, I was never going to leave.
dirtygirl wants to know:…about the first time you felt desirable. Post your thoughts below. C’mon, talk dirty to me.
| << 1975 : in the beginning | 1975 : fitting in >> |
Posted July 6, 2009 at 10:00 am, filed under the diary and tagged 1975, Levittown, lonliness, Robbies Mardi Gras, Times Square. Bookmark this post. Follow any comments @ RSS feed for this post.
